Just more death threats from the tolerant, non-ignorant gay liberal crowd, plus an exciting new documentary! Liberal blanket hatred for religion and old people rolled into one violent death wish.
The end of the wicked old Mormons
This is the good news: many of the world's most powerful, hurtful, wretched old men will soon be dead.
...I might very much be in the mood to not really mind at all if a whole slew of these nefarious creatures of sociospiritual corrosion were to, say, spontaneously combust, or be struck by lightning, or perhaps accidentally fall into a giant, roiling vat of Astroglide and turpentine and a million duplicitous prayers. Whoops! Sorry, Monsignor!
...But perhaps none of these fine and soulless charlatans appears as noticeably miserable, as lost, as openly insulting to the human spirit as the wretched leaders of the Mormon Church in Utah... Because here we find a very bizarre cluster of powerful, pale, sickly old men who are now sliding back into view thanks to a new documentary, "8: The Mormon Proposition," the trailer for which is available for your deep sighing and open cringing right now.
...just how ruthlessly, how hatefully the Church of Latter Day Homophobes worked to terrify and intimidate its own uninformed followers into funding -- to the tune of nearly $18 million -- one of the most detestable pieces of legislation in California's history, not to mention the church's own "secretive, decades-long crusade against gay rights."... I have only stared into the sallow faces of these pitiable men, these "prophets" of fear and intolerance, for a few short moments. Then again, with faces like that, you don't need much.
...But one glance at these frightened and sickly old men of the Mormon Church, and you see it -- or rather, you don't see it.... These are the eyes of some of the most pained, deadened souls in the world. There is no spark. There is no hint of life. There appears to be only sadness and suffering, fear and dystopia, a disturbing sense that they all wish the world would just stop being so strange and perverted so they could just enjoy their watery gin, itchy sweaters, and loveless marriages in peace.
Here is where I admit a note of naïveté. Because I simply do not understand how any devotee of any belief system, organized religion, or grand Utah cult whatsoever could possibly follow leaders with such a flagrantly joyless and agonizing sense of modern existence. How can you see those eyes, those depleted and slumped bodies, say yes, oh dear God yes, that is my prophet?
But let's leave that question floating in the ether for now. It is, after all, far too easy to pinch and kick the bizarre Mormon Church; to say it's ripe for satire and parody is to say a Catholic schoolgirl is ripe for debauchery. It's like shooting polygamist fish in a barrel of coffee. -San Francisco Chronicle
Mark Marford had a box of tissues and a "Keith Olbermann thesaurus" in hand as he wrote this.